By Jason Wilson
Author’s Note: For whatever reason, the scene that follows kept running through my head as I was working on a piece concerning computational thinking. I’m still puzzled as to why since it is hard for me to see the value in anthropomorphizing products. But, maybe there is something to imagining what your product, service, business, or whatever would be like as a person. Perhaps it would be an image you’d like to change. Also, if it isn’t obvious to you, this is a PARODY.
FADE IN:
EXT. STREETSIDE – NIGHT
A black limousine stops in front of a polychromatic building of red, yet tow, and ochre brick. The brick surrounds a few square-headed windows on the second and third stories and a limestone entrance portico composed of several monumental columns supporting an entablature. Centered in frieze, in Romanesque capitals, reads the precinct’s Dutch motto: “Eendraght Maakt Magt.” The entrance is flanked by a handsome pair of bracketed cast-iron lanterns. The rear door of the limousine swings open. A voluptuous figure, WESTLAW, in a blue dress and Christian Louboutin pumps, steps out. Her skin is tan and her brunette hair falls to the middle of her back. She regards the entrance with disgust.
EXT/INT. LIMO – STREETSIDE – CONTINUING
WESTLAW clips up the stairs and opens the right-side door. The foyer to the station is bright, but it’s quieter than she expects. She looks around, and spots a young officer on the front desk.
WESTLAW
(Smooth, sultry voice)
Excuse me.
OFFICER
(Looks up from papers, smiles)
Uh, yes ma’am. Can I help you?
WESTLAW
Yes, I am here to retrieve my sister.
WESTLAW hears sobbing behind the officer, peers behind him.
WESTLAW
(pointing)
That mess. That’s my sister.
OFFICER
Uhh, yeah. Officer Kelly brought her in from the Tip Top. She’s pretty soused, but seein’ who she is an all … ya’ know … just didn’t seem right.
WESTLAW
I appreciate that.
(Reaches into her clutch, pulls out a card)
Here.
(extends card)
Have Officer Kelly call this number in the morning. Make sure he mentions you as well, okay?
OFFICER
(Smiles)
You bet. Anyway, you can just
(motions with hands)
step around here, and come in.
WESTLAW walks behind the desk and over to the wooden bench where her sister, LEXIS, in a red dress and pumps, is sitting. LEXIS is blonde, and thin, but sturdy looking. WESTLAW crosses her arms and looks down, disapprovingly.
WESTLAW
Lexi, come on it’s time to go.
LEXIS
(sniffling, dabbing her nose with a kerchief, looks up)
Oh, okay.
(tries to stand, gags, puts her hand to her mouth)
WESTLAW
(annoyed, grabs LEXIS by the arm, pulls her to her feet)
Oh for heaven’s sake, come on!
LEXIS
But—
WESTLAW nods at the young officer as she leads LEXIS around the desk towards the door. She turns.
WESTLAW
Thank you again. I’m sorry for the trouble.
(waves with free hand)
INT/EXT. – PRECINCT – STREETSIDE – CONTINUING
The limousine driver, a tall, well-built man, steps forward to help LEXIS get into the car. WESTLAW follows behind her. Driver closes door, jaunts to the driver’s side and steps in.
WESTLAW
Take us home.
(raises privacy glass)
Honestly Lexi, how many times am I going to have to do this?
LEXIS is leaning against door jamb, looking pale. She doesn’t respond.
WESTLAW
Lexi. Do you hear me?
(jostles LEXIS)
LEXIS
Yes. Stop it. I hear you. Lemme alone.
WESTLAW looks at her, disgusted.
WESTLAW
Look at you. You’re such a mess. And what were you doing out here in the first place?
LEXIS
None of your goddamn business.
(bends forward, as if to throw up)
WESTLAW
Nice mouth. And don’t throw up in this car. Here.
(hands her a wine bucket)
God, if you’re going to do it, at least try not to make a mess of things.
LEXIS smacks the bucket away.
LEXIS
I’m fine.
(sits up)
Just leave me alone.
(points towards driver)
Is he taking me home?
WESTLAW
Why? Is there someplace else you need to be?
LEXIS
Fuck off.
WESTLAW
Please tell me that you weren’t hanging out with that two-bit hussy Lois again?
LEXIS is silent.
WESTLAW
Seriously Lexi, you have got to stop this. You are a Premium, not some second rate service.
LEXIS
Shut up. You don’t know anything.
WESTLAW
Lois is just a tramp you know. She reminds me of one of those poor girls from a John Hughes film. I mean … just look at her. Ugh, she’s always dressed in that godawful 90′s HTML. Oh, and courier. She’s just covered in it. I just don’t understand why you hang out with her.
LEXIS
Because she isn’t judgmental like you. She doesn’t look down on people. And she’s flat, like me.
WESTLAW
You mean she lets people use her as much as they want? Is that what makes you feel better? Lots of random people using you?
(looks disdainfully)
Of course she doesn’t look down on people, Lexi. She can’t. She spends her time in the company of that other trash, Casemaker and Fastcase.
(looks out the car window)
Sure, they can try to dress themselves up all they want for a night on the town, put on some Web 2.0 rouge or whatever, but it’s still just lipstick on a pig. You know it too.
LEXIS
(clenching her fists)
Arghh! That is what I hate about you.
(mocking)
Nobody’s as good as Westie. Look at Westie, she’s so pretty and perfect. She’s the it girl.
(makes air quotes)
Everybody wants her, but only certain people can have her. Oh, we’re all so jealous.
(scowling)
You’re such a bitch. You make me want to vomit.
(gags)
WESTLAW
I think that’s the cheap booze. And yes, I am pretty. I’m clean and I dress nice. Unlike you, who continues to go out in that whorish red. Do you really think boys will take you seriously? Especially when you let them know that you’ll date them by the day, the week, the month, or whatever? You even give yourself for free. For free. Honestly.
LEXIS
Only a little. And I make them work for it. I never make it that easy, and people appreciate me for it.
WESTLAW
(dismissive)
Oh, please.
(smoothing out her dress)
If that’s what you want to be, fine. But it just cheapens you, makes you like … the others. And if you think this new relationship with Microsoft is going to do your image any good, well, you’re just fooling yourself. You’re just another notch on his bedpost.
LEXIS
(glaring)
You don’t know anything about him. You … you….
WESTLAW
What? I know that he’s had lots of partners, and if you think you’re anything special … well, I have bad news for you. You aren’t. You’re just another forgettable little plugin.
(looks in Lexi’s eyes, feigns sadness)
Unlike me. I’ve learned what the boys like, and when they ask, I give them exactly what they need. Sex appeal and brains, that’s the combination. But it will cost them … in the end.
(smiles)
LEXIS
Fucking bitch. You’re no better than any of them. You’re no better than me! I can give a man anything you can.
WESTLAW
I am infinitely better than the likes of you. Look at me. I have beautiful algorithms and a lineage to match. I wear all the right clothes and can be found in all the trendiest places. And what are you but … but … an ugly step-sister. A disorganized mess,
(waves hand up and down)
top to bottom. That’s what.
LEXIS
(angry)
That may be, but you need me. You may not like having to come bail me out. I may embarrass you in public. But who fucking cares? What are you going to do? Let me destroy myself? Un-uh. You’re going to rescue me every time I screw up. And you know why?
(stares)
Do you?
WESTLAW glares at LEXIS.
LEXIS
That’s right. Of course you do. So if I want to borrow your clothes and look pretty in your blue dresses or use some of your other products, you’ll let me. Because you don’t have a choice. After all, if I’m gone, what will become of you?
FADE OUT
[Image (CC) by Irina Souiki]
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Two Thumbs Up!! Waaaay Up!!!
I think Lexi should be played by Lindsey Lohan, it could be her big comeback role!!
This is FANTASTIC!!! Westlaw: Catherine Zeta Jones And Lexis: Kate Hudson
That was awesome. Just how I always pictured it
Well done but what is with the stupid photo? Give us gals a break, huh?
It's a fair criticism. I waivered on the photo, but ultimately decided to include it because I love it. The title is actually "Complicity," and I would encourage you to visit the artist's flickr page referenced at the end of the post.
Would WestlawNext be the sequel?
It's funny you mention WLN. I've had a number of people ask me about that, and when I thought of this dialog, I had in my mind always pictured WLN. It's an elegant interface, and much more so than Westlaw. So, as an anthropomorphization of a product, this scene already assumed WLN. Sorry to disappoint.
Great dialog. Has an "I-can't-put-my-finger-on-it" sense of perfect timing for me. Westlaw is more the WestlawNext creature, the one we choose not to party with, at least not right now. Lexi/Lexis has so much promise but we do use her "goods" only when necessary. Sigh.
Very sexist. From what century are you?
Fair enough. How would you have written it?
I always assumed the writer was referring to Westlaw UK – now that site has an elegant UI.
You must log in to post a comment.
{ 1 trackback }