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BREAKING: SEAL Team Six rumored to take operational control over Lexis

By Jason Wilson

There may soon be a changing of the guard inside LexisNexis. Sources have told rethinc.k that SEAL Team Six is preparing for a corporate takeover.

Last April, Team Six was apparently spotted conducting operations in the Banks-Baldwin building in Cleveland, Ohio, which West Publishing abandoned in 2010. Sources say that inside the building was an exact replica of Lexis’ corporate offices in Dayton, Ohio.

One source, who was near the building practicing heelflips with his skateboard, actually observed a practice run: “They fucking repelled off the roof and crashed through windows. If they opened fire, I didn’t hear it. But they’re SEALs man, I mean, fuck, silencers right?”

A source with ties to the SEAL community said a takeover plan was put in place after Lexis announced Lexis Advance for Solos. “They knew then it was time. So the JSOC (Joint Special Operations Command) put together a plan and called in Team Six, the best in the business. After a common operating picture was put together, they built a replica of the offices. The Team apparently ran through several practice runs to nail down the timing and tactics to be used and get accustomed to Ohio’s climate. They’ll probably launch out of the North from Lake Erie, but now it’s just a wait-and-see type thing.”

Since then, the Banks-Baldwin building has been cleared out, and if Team Six was there practicing, all signs have been erased.

A senior editor at Lexis who was told about the possibility of the takeover had this reaction: “That’s the best news I’ve heard in the two years I’ve worked here. Seriously, for all the GTD talk around here, those badass motherfuckers would be the only ones that would know how to actually get shit done. Just think, if Team Six is running the show, West Publishing better watch out because we’ll be packing. I guess I won’t take that job with Findlaw after all.”

Professor Tad Bainbridge of the University of Virginia and author of the New York Times’ best seller, “Covert Corporate Takeovers: Why the Navy Does It Best,” said that most publishers, whether in legal, professional, STM, or trade, could benefit from a covert ops style takeover: “You’d be amazed at how institutional group think simply vanishes when you’re staring down the barrel of an M4A1.”

Added Professor Bainbridge, “I’ve spent the last 30 years studying SEAL takeovers, and they are simply the best at it. Well organized, well funded, with the best technology and an uncanny ability to understand how operations should be run. If it happens, Lexis will be a well-oiled machine in a matter of months and could return to profitability by the end of the year.”

According to industry experts, the most likely strike time will be during Lexis’ annual reorganization.

[Image (CC) by An Honorable German]


Comments on this entry are closed.

  • @glambert May 5, 2011, 2:58 pm

    I just hope that they allow Lexis Reps to fly into out-of-town meetings using some of those stealth helicopters! That, alone, would make me want to go buy everything they got!!

    • jasnwilsn May 5, 2011, 3:03 pm

      If I hear anything from my sources, I'll be sure to tell you.